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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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"Isn't It A Pity" by George Harrison |
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As I sit there in silence with my little sister on the couch with me, I hear words I can barely handle. "Things don't end happy in real life." They cut to my core, revealing my deepest fear. Dawson Leery looks at his drunken friend whom he has just spent the evening trying to save from self-destructive behavior at a decadent party, and has now taken to his dad's new place for the night.
Denying the possible reality of what she just said, he offers his response. "Get some sleep. You'll feel better in the morning." Still wallowing, Jen says, "I wish that were true." Dawson quietly gets up and, fighting back tears, walks away.
Scene change. Dawson's bedroom at his mom's place. His eternal soulmate and ex-girlfriend Joey Potter crawls through the window, something which she has not done for weeks. Expecting to see Dawson, she calls out his name. "Hey, Dawson...?" Realizing that he is not there, she sits on his bed and slowly picks up a stuffed shark toy. One of the duo's favorite pastimes when they were children was re-enacting the ending scene of Jaws while sitting in Dawson's closet, using this very creature.
She puts the object of memory down, and goes through the window against and down the ladder with a half-smile which teases the audience: Will anything ever be the way it once was? Will their story be one of tragedy, or of love overcoming all obstacles?
The episode ends. I have been reminded of my own circumstances and fears. I then realize that I am Dawson Leery. The hopeless, old-fashioned romantic. The eternal optimist. The hero. And with all those qualities and tendencies comes the negative effects of idealism. Denial of pain and reality because things don't fit with what's in the movies. Depression. Bad parental relationships. Self-destructive friends who feel as if there's no hope for them. Many people looking to you for answers and guidance.
And what am I to do? I could easily trade my melancholy for self-destructive drinking binges. I could easily strike up an old flame of mine. I could just accept that nothing will ever get better. I could stop trying. I could admit that I'm wrong and listen to everyone who's telling me that I shouldn't become a priest. Any of these I could start planning to do at this moment. But I don't. Why?
Why do I continuously subject myself to this wretched pain? Why do I go on when there is no sign of relief in the near future? Sure, I can move out when I turn 18, and I plan on doing that, but what will that ultimately do? It will just make things worse between me and my parents.
I know where this is supposed to go. I'm supposed to quote a few Bible verses and give a brief explanation of why this suffering is helpful to my walk...but I don't feel any of that right now. All I feel is...emptiness...nothingness. I feel as though everything I know and love is being ripped away from me. And it feels like everyone is out to get me. But it's like Dawson's dad said to him in that very same episode I mentioned earlier: "Nobody's out to get you, least of all me." And it's sort of like that. No one is intentionally out to get me, at least no one we can see. I know that Satan is behind all of this. He wants to discourage me from my calling.
And you know what's scary? Some days it works. Days like today. It's like I said before. I don't feel any hope right now. No matter how many Hail Mary's, Our Father's, Glory Be's, Miraculous Medal Prayers, Prayers of St. Francis, or simple "HELP ME!" prayers I say.
I'm simply at a loss. A loss for words, hope, feeling, assurance of anything I know to be true. It's all Kevin Williamson's fault...
Why did I even bother watching Dawson's Creek in the first place?
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